Opening Up the Hope Gates

Lord, Jesus, help me to have
Open ears,
Open eyes,
Open hands,
An open mouth
And an open heart.

If I am closed, You cannot live through me.
If I do not be who you made me to be, You cannot work through me.
If I do not tell the truth about who I am and Who You are, You cannot love through me.

God spoke this to me the other day and I feel that I have a tool to be free of fear.  Fear shuts me down and causes me to close and not function.

 I had a rough day the other day, but I let it all out to a friend and then went to a ladies meeting in our church where we talk about our struggles and our joys.

I was so encouraged in that meeting because when we all come together in Christ, hopeless situations are filled with hope again!!   I felt that so strongly and I was so encouraged.

One woman shared about some spiritual struggles that were happening within her family, I knew the other women would have answers because we all have a piece of God and when we gather, He is there to help.

I listened with bated breath for the answer to my sisters struggle.  The answer was that we are here for her and the men in our church, her brothers, are too.  She was encouraged to reach out and get help from her brothers and sisters in the moment the the struggles start.
She does not have to stay stuck in it and afraid!

After that, I felt like God spoke a word to me, personally, to help with my fear.
That word was "open".

He told me to open my eyes to see people's needs, open my ears to hear them and the hidden meanings in the things they say, open my hands to give and serve, open my mouth to speak the truth and show others that I care, open my heart to others without fear, open my spirit so that God can flow through!!

Praise God!!!

I know I write a lot of crying posts.  I guess sadness is such a deep emotion it compels me to express it.

But here is where I want to PRAISE MY GOD!!!

He IS amazingly skilled at leading those He loves on the path to good things.

I was doing chair massages at the gym and not really getting much business.  It was weeks of being there and greeting people.  Finally I struck up a conversation with a physical trainer.  He was very nice once we got to talking.  He gave me a couple tips on how to get more business one in particular was checking out the bike race in a city North of us.  It was hosted by a much larger gym.

I called that gym to see if they needed a massage therapist for the bike races and they said they didn't know about that, but that they have had a need for another massage therapist to work IN the facility.  This job posting had been up for over a year, they said.

I started to look into it, but was hesitant because of the hour drive.  I was looking for part-time work in the newspaper and found a job for a cook.  Went to an interview for that and told the big gym I wanted to hold off on their offer.

Silly me!  Advice from friends led me to jump back on the idea of working at this very busy, quite established company.  In a span of a few days, I went for an initial interview at the new gym and am in the process of planning for orientation, etc. because they accepted my official application and I accepted their official job offer!!!

I feel that God has reserved this very thing for me.  I will finally be able to sufficiently pay my bills and save for the future.

Despite the hard stuff I'm learning, He is constantly leading me.  I think sometimes the very thing God has for you can seem to take a while and then BOOM it's yours.

That's how it was with my car.  I've been driving an old Buick and have been wanting a newer car for over a year - especially since it was totaled.

Mom and I did the search thing and she was so gung-ho about.  I, on the other hand, found it quite grueling.

Long-story-short, this Honda Accord popped up, mom found it and thought it was an awesome option.  We got it checked out by two people who know cars, they said it was good, so I bought it!

So far, it is A-mazing!  I know it was all God's blessing.

So I have a new job in a far away city and a GREAT car to get me there!

I PRAISE MY GOD!!! He is so good and He truly does work EVERYTHING together for my good.

I think it is all because I love Him and seek Him in everything...I need Him so much and I can't do without Him.  I want to be like the wind, He will blow me wherever He wills.

I cry because I used to be so inspired.  I used to believe in myself.  I used to think I could do anythings.

Now for no valid reason I have shrunk away into a tiny hole, afraid to move or speak with only the hot, worried feeling inside and an urgent compulsion to be free of it.

I feel that I am experiencing exactly what I saw a friend experience a few years ago.  I suppose it's called becoming an adult.  You move away from your parents - the water rings are removed and the swimming instructor virtually leaves you...out there...in the deep.

This must be the way that adults become adults.  Adults are known for their anxiety, fear, boring-ness and seriousness.
A child cannot fathom all the things that are going through the head of someone age 16 or older.  There is so much to think about, so much to figure out.
Along with all of those decisions comes all your emotions and the desires and plans you have for your life.

I don't want to become the kind of person who crawls into a hole when it comes to the important things like how you behave at work.
Sometimes I think the people at work must think I'm a great asshole because I am terrified to face them.

Sometimes I think it's not so bad and other times I kick myself because I feel like a great fearful fool who can't function.

I'm afraid others will see me that way.  My fear that they'll think I'm an idiot is the very thing that causes me to be one.

I hate that.

sigh............

I know...that God is the one I am supposed to rely on.   In the moment, I don't go to Him.  I wish I did.  I wish I was honest with the people in my life - the ones I'm afraid of.  I have no problem being honest with the ones I know and trust but it seems like putting myself out there with the ones I don't yet know is the very thing that will free me.

I seem to do fine with people who will tell me exactly what they're thinking.  It's the ones who I am constantly guessing about that cause me the most anxiety.

All in all, I guess I just need your prayer.  Will you pray for me?  I need Jesus.  I need His love to overwhelm me because it's there that I find freedom.

Tools for His Glory

I love the house I live in, I love the car I have, I love the new job that I'm bout to take up. I love my new glasses and I'm excited about the new hair cut I'm going to get tomorrow.

If and when I get this new job, I will have more money to pay my bills but also to buy the music and the clothes that I want.

I wonder if I am becoming too attached to the things of the world.
 I don't want to be like that. I've heard it said that the more a person has on this earth, the harder it is for him to leave it behind to follow Jesus.

So starting with my car, I would like to write a letter.

Dear Dubh,
 I want you to know that you are only a tool. You're a gift that the Lord has given me to get to places so that I can glorify Him. I will take care of you because you are a gift from God and if I don't take care of you I won't be able to go where He wants me to go.

When I work I can be a shining light of love and servanthood and humility therefore bringing glory to You, Lord.

When I earn money I can do as you want me to:  pay my bills, give to those who have need and save up to go to the places you want me to go.

I am so grateful for all your blessings. I find that when I glorify You and seek you, you are always right there at the perfect time to provide for everything I need.

I have clearly seen everything work together for my good every moment.

I feel so undeserving and inadequate but I pray  that i will not get in your way.

I Sing Because I'm Happy

A family member once told me to stop whistling and singing as I went down into the subway in a big city, that distinguishing myself in the crowd could get me mugged.  Again it is one of those moments where I feel I must directly oppose such statements because they stems directly from fear.

I say, I was called by Jesus to be the light of the world.  Many people are happy when they are near me because I am that light.

I will be wise in life, but if someone wants to kill me just because I'm full of joy, so be it.  I will not be controlled by and change my ways for fear.
 I trust in my Lord to protect me.  Jesus did not say:

             "Always be quiet and blend in to protect your body."

He said to count it joy when you are killed or tortured because of Him.

The Four Different Christians of Les Miserables

One of my favorite musicals Les Miserables. It's an emotional, historical drama based on the novel by Victor Hugo about a man named Jean Valjean who was arrested and imprisoned for 20 years for stealing bread for his impoverished family. The story follows Valjean on his journey from bitterness to redemption after his release from prison.  He breaks parole and therefore must spend his time trying to escape the ruthless Inspector Javert who imprisoned him in the first place.

The story twists and turns as Valjean builds a new life for himself with the help of God.
His story becomes intertwined with many including an employee of his and her daughter, revolutionaries seeking peace in France and all manner of dregs and heros.

I am so intrigued by this story with its wisdom and interesting plot-line.  I was particularly interested in the different examples of Christians I saw within the story.   I have never read the book, but I suspect the writer wanted to display these different aspects of what people think Christianity is.

The main character, Jean Valjean, is a man who was treated unjustly in the name of justice.
He was bitter and saw himself as a man whom the world was against.  When he got out of prison, things were hard  and could not find work as he had been labeled a dangerous man.  He was impoverished and resulted to dishonesty.  He had despaired of God and given up hope that God even cared about Him.

He is taken in one night by a priest who gives him food and a place to sleep.  The priest covers him in kindness and mercy even when he attempts to steal the church silver.   When Valjean is caught making off with it, the priest makes a gift out of the stolen goods and charges Valjean to use it to become an honest man.

Valjean does just that.  He becomes educated, changes his name to Monseur Lemehr and builds a business of his own providing employment to hundreds.  Soon he becomes a prominent and respected man in the city.  All the while he comes closer to God living in kindness, generosity and patience with his fellow man.

Inspector Javert is the one constantly on watch for and in search of the Jean Valjean.  Javert's lives by his belief that God hates sin and any sin must be punished ever after, no matter how great or small the sin was.  The fact that Valjean broke his parole especially ate him up.  To me, he is the kind of man who knows nothing of mercy but only believes that God is there to condemn.  

You even see him treat himself harshly when he thinks he made a mistake.  Perhaps his attitude towards law-breakers stems from the fact that he does not accept mercy for his own shortcomings.

There were couple other characters who called themselves Christians as well.  They were immoral thieves, abusive to children and just scum.  

They used the name Christian to try to sound good in order to get things they wanted from people. 

So, I thought it was very interesting to see portrayed the different examples of people who take the name Christian.  Obviously, I think the kindly priest was the true Christian.  He was merciful, kind, and changed Valjean's life by exhorting Him to do good.

Movies

I love movies.  I love to be told a story, I love watching people interact and I love piecing together the puzzles of their lives and problems...I like to be moved by performances on the screen and I like to think about how it affected me and why.
       Movies have helped shape who I am, I have emulated characters and they've become apart of me. My parents were very choosy about the movies I watched as a kid.  We didn't watch TV or movies until I was, like, 8 years old and today, I am still picky about what I watch and I praise what is good and pure and despise the things that are wicked.  That, I believe is the difference between being innocent or being pure.  Innocent means you don't know what evil is, pure means you know what it is but do not choose to be like it.

          Some people are very "conservative" and they don't watch any movies, or they only watch Christian-made films or they don't watch movies that have things like magic or "witchcraft."  I think in this way, you can keep your kids innocent, but I don't believe that is God's goal for us forever. God wants us to be pure.  In the world but not of the world.   This video by Paul Pavao really defines this thought.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INJ2UIALQJA

        I am not afraid of the media.  My criteria is this:

• I will not watch movies that are based on sexual immorality or that make light of it and put it off as an OK thing.
• I do not watch movies that are very violent, bloody for the sole sake of being violent and bloody nor do I watch movies that are meant to scare you (one of my life's goals is to be fear-free)
• Must have good acting, a good story that makes sense and of course lots of meaning.

          So I watch movies and I let them inspire and influence me to do good.
If you spy on me when I'm by myself working on something or washing dishes, you'd see me imagining movies in my mind and acting out and quoting the characters that I've seen on the screen.

You will notice several movie posts in my blog :)  I have done one on Emma starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Phantom of the Opera starring Gerard Butler, The Sound of Music starring Julie Andrews and will soon do one on Les Miserables starring Hugh Jackman.