Let it Grow

I'm making some huge-to-me steps in my life.  I've been seeking the Lord for months and I have to believe that this direction is His leading, but I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that it's not His will for me.  I'm afraid I'm running ahead of Him.  I'm afraid that I'll become confused, that things others say will become apart of me when they shouldn't.

God says don't be afraid.  I believe that is my calling:  to learn to not be afraid and to learn to love perfectly because "perfect love casts out fear".

In the past I have taken the plunge and did not regret it.  I have learned things everywhere God has taken me.  If I go with Him, it cannot be wrong.

I must follow His spirit and listen to it.  I don't have to figure out what's right and what's wrong, I just have to follow Him. In the Bible it talks about the fruit of the spirit and I take that to mean that wherever God's spirit is, these things will grow:  joy, peace, love, endurance, patience, faithfulness, self-control.

I believe that whoever has these things inside of them has the spirit of God and is full of life.

In my Family we have another word for the fruit of the spirit and that is the word I just said: Life.

We believe when God's spirit is there, it brings life. The life-giving spirit of God makes goodness grow.  I think of it as a plant.

So I've grown up with people who strongly believe this fruit of the spirit/life thing.  It has benefited us countless times in getting to know God and being led by Him.

Sometimes God's spirit comes as a blast of encouragement, power to go on and continue in good works. Other times it's wrenching tearful pain like that when you have been convicted to cease sinning.  You'll know the common thread between these two aspects of the spirit of God by what they produce:  growth.  Like that beautiful, perfect plant.

It's like the sun some days and other days it's like dark, thunderous rains and all produce a magnificent product.

Contrariwise, just because something sounds encouraging or convicting, doesn't mean it's God's spirit saying it.  The way we know whether it is God is if we see that little green plant growing up out of it.

And now, back to the beginning and in conclusion, I will not be afraid.  I will trust in my good God.  I will rely on His spirit and I will not feel bad rejecting anything that I do not see bringing life.
He is good.

He is Kind

Your mercy, Lord...

It's what I've been singing about for a year or more.

God is so good!! He's so good to me!! He has blessed me so much!  I live for Him.

Today, I was told by the financial administrator in my village that she had some good news for me.  I was surprised and had an inkling of what that good news might be, but I didn't allow myself to hope too much.

I have been feeling for a while that I want a change.  That I want something different, that I'm unsatisfied, that I want to go. But where?  When?  How?  What do I need to do?  What is the will of my God?

It seems that every year, I am looking for the next thing and though to me that sometimes sounds like I am an ungrateful child with a short attention span, other times I feel that this is what it's like to be on a journey towards my destiny.  Following God, I believe He does have the next thing and the next thing for me.  I believe He's bringing me closer and closer to extraordinary things and this morning has solidified that belief for me.

I've prayed and prayed and meditated and been still and listened.  God brought me to the decision that would best glorify Him and was quite the practical point:  get out of debt.  I cannot move on or start something new unless I finish what I've started where I am.  Right here.  I kept feeling that God wanted me to be still and keep doing what I'm doing.  

Almost three years ago I was starting a business and did not even think about the fact that one is not going to make money in the beginning.  I got into debt with rent.  They told me I could pay what I could and just owe them.  They gave me a discount.  For several months, I was struggling.  I took on another job in another city which started out slow, but proved to be a very good place for me to be.  Income was still patchy and up and down.  On down slopes, I get really anxious and worry whether I'm in the right place doing the right thing.  Trying to work everything out.  There were times when I just forgot about rent. 

Then I got motivated.  I wanted to go to Ireland, I wanted to make changes in my life - possibly move closer to the new job that I love.  

After all the praying and going over my finances over and over I did realize I needed to focus, focus, focus and throw every extra penny to my rent (little bit of an exaggeration, I still spent little bits of money here and there on extraneous things) Every time I got payed at work I would look at my budget and subtract that, and then whatever was left I wrote a check to rent.

So this morning, I walked to the finance office with my checkbook because Tuesdays is "pay-rent-day" and on the way, I talked to God and had a conversation that I often have with Him lately.  I said,

"God, you are so good to me!  You have provided for me in so many ways!! I praise you because you bless me more than I could ever thank you for!  You've given me jobs that I can work hard at and reap rewards, but my reward is in heaven."

She said she had good news about my finances.  The financial structure is going through changes and new things are on the horizon as far as rent goes.  The finance committee is analyzing everything and asking how the young people are doing payment-wise.  They saw that I am behind but that I have been faithful with writing checks for months. 

They told me that because of my faithfulness, they would cut my debt in half and not invoice me in March.  I would have a month to pay off that debt.

Praise the Lord!  He grants pardon and rewards those who are faithful.  He is so kind!  I'm so grateful and just feel that it is an inspiration from God to keep going and to remember He loves me and has more for me!

Your Mercy, Lord

A tune came to me not long ago and wouldn't leave.  I needed words so I pieced together something from a conversation I had had with a client at work.  She had asked what is one attribute of God that has meant something to me in my life. This song came from that.  

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Your mercy, Lord,
It covers me,
Your love
It wraps around me,
Your forgiveness, Lord,
It is incredible,
Your kindness, Lord,
It is enough.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're all that I seek,
You're all I will find,
You've hedged me before,
You've hedged me behind.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You know who I am,
You know all I do,
You've blessed me so much,
And I'll live for You.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Slave to Whom?

We know what sin is.  We know what God considers sin.  We know the things we're not supposed to do.  I will speak out of my own experience because I strongly believe this is something I should primarily speak out of.  I know what sin is.  I know what I'm not supposed to do.

I have struggled with sin lately.  I have questioned whether the thing I want to do really is sin.  How do we know it's sin?  Why can't I do it without feeling bad about it?   Why does God have to treat me like a slave and tell me what I can and can't do?

Well I have an answer for myself.  I asked God about it.  The thing is this:  the sin is almost irresistible, if I do not resist, I inevitably go on ahead full throttle, no stopping it.  I am a slave.  It controls me and I have to do it.  Unless, I make a choice.

I can make a choice to believe that God wants me to be free of everything that would bind me, namely, my enemy Satan whose ultimate goal is to bind me in anyway he can.  I can choose to believe that the things God does not want me to do, will hurt me in the end and that it is Love that asks me not to do those things that hurt me.

I can choose to submit to the One who has life and love for me.  Why would I choose the other guy?  He doesn't want good for me!  When I give in to sin, I am making the choice to submit to Satan, my enemy.  When I choose to turn away, I submit to my King who loves me.

So next time I wish to ask

"Is this really a sin?  Why shouldn't I?"

I will reply

"Well, is it controlling you?  Is it giving life and making you grow?"

If the answer is "yes" to the first then it is not something I want to be doing.  If the answer is "no" to the second, it is something I should cease immediately.

O, Lord, we cannot save ourselves.  We cannot conquer without Your grace.  Keep us, O Lord, from the things that ensnare us

That Scary Word, "Change" - but I love it!

Making changes.  Scary changes.  Seems like I often write when I'm sad, angry or nervous.

Well, I am nervous because I've said it and I've written it.  I'm making changes.  

Every year seems to have new dreams new goals and things I've never thought of before.  

As I learn about what's inside me and what I can offer, dreams and goals start to shape up!

It's exciting and scary.

Thinking of closing my business, moving away, following avenues of creativity.  There's so much I've gotten to do that others haven't and so much that others have gotten to do that I haven't.

My only concern is that once I tie up the ties and wrap up the wraps that I will just start floating along, lazy, doing nothing.

There's a quote I've been thinking about that says

"Learn to rest, not to quit."  

I'm scared that I'm quitting but the truth is, I'm just making some changes.  I've been overwhelmed and would like to take a little more control of my life.  I'd like to have a little more order and a little more of a choice.

I want to blast off!  I want to surround myself with people and things that make me more.  

Oh, God.  I pray that in letting go of the things I've had for so long, that I'm not letting go of you and swimming out into the sea alone.

You are my God.  I am Yours and I believe in who You are and who You are creating me to be!

~~~~

So, right now, everything is fuzzy and pink.  I dream of not working two massage jobs and hopefully catching up on getting massages myself.  I dream of working at the Lift gym and some other job that I enjoy.  

Some would think me crazy for choosing this but I actually want to take a shot at rocking a waitressing job.  Another idea is that I'd like to work in a women's fashion store.

I dream of living in the city where there's more to do, more opportunities.  I want the opportunity to sing in more places and maybe even teach dance.  I want to get into some groups such as young adult groups at churches.  

I love bookstores and coffee shops.

Really soon I want to talk with the chamber of commerce and pitch my idea for my new business that is everything I love.  (It's a secret for now, but I'll call it MHP) Everyone I talk to about MHP gets excited!  I am excited.  I don't know how the hell I'm going to do it but I know that this would be AWESOME!

I dream about living in a place where I can have a cat or two.  I need something to love and call my own, my baby. 

Nothing to do with moving but I want to get a new phone because mine is broken. I've NEVER actually spent money on a phone.  I've had three and they were either given to me or cheapo junk.  I want to get contacts, maybe...aaa not really important.

Garden Heart

My favorite metaphor is that our hearts are like a garden with flowers and weeds and that God is the gardener. 

If we submit to His work on us - to me that is allowing people to correct me and being very honest with myself and others about my shortcomings but also coming to God and meditating on Him every day - God will work out the weeds and cultivate the beauty

Faithful Are the Wounds of a Friend

It's not often that I know exactly what the title is.  Today, I do: faithful are the wounds of a friends.

I am in pain.  The tears were streaming down my face and my nose was getting all stuffy and my throat had that weird, painful lump in it.

I am so, so, lucky to have the opportunity to go through this pain, to have friends who will inflict it - showing their true love to me.  I boast that I will only shine brighter because of it. I will only be stronger.

I had to look at the truth tonight.  I knew what the truth was but I had forgotten it, forgotten the conclusion to the truth.

When they call it the "ugly truth" it is just that.  It's the kind of truth that gives you a red, puffy face and a snotty nose, it's the kind of truth that makes you want to put your face on the ground and stay there for hours because you know that this simple gesture would be better than anything else you could think of doing.

Ah, the truth.  It was the same thing I've hear for years and I responded the way I always do - with resolve to be quiet and still and let the spirit of God change my heart.

That's the only way I'll be new.

That's the only way I can truly love.

~~~~~~

A checklist.  That's what I make my friends feel like.  A checklist that I quickly grow to despise.

Over and over, I will learn that it doesn't matter where I live, or where I work, or what I eat or how I entertain myself - I will be blown about by every wind and thought that comes my way, unless my heart be in the right place.  That place is in Christ.
My. Heart. Has. To. Be. In. Christ every day.

I was looking for an answer, I was saying

"God! what willest Thou for me?"

I got my answer. Right now.  Right where I am.

It amazes me and terrifies me how easily Satan deceived me into thinking that it was all outside circumstances and that I was dissatisfied because of my job and where I live - no, I was dissatisfied because I was not in unity with God and I was inverted into myself.  My eyes and heart were not open to the hearts of my friends, only to the circumstances and checklists.  They need me to care just a lot more and in all the words I heard about the things they are annoyed with and the attitudes they feel from me, the conclusion in my own heart is that this is all symptoms of a deep, deep sickness in me.

I often think, and would like you, reader to consider, that this sickness is like weeds that twist their way into our hearts. Some people call it "baggage."  Throughout our years, from childhood on, we grow in patterns of thinking and in patterns of actions.  All of us have human patterns like this - good and bad.  As a Christian, I believe that God tends us like a garden, taking as much time to weed out the bad and cultivate the good as it did for all of it to grow up in us.

Weeds drop seeds at every level of soil and so they will come back again and again and the Lord will work them out again and again.  One year pulling them up by hand, another year digging them out with a spade and yet other times, burning them with fire.  Don't mistake me:  this working will only continue and progress as you and I submit to it.  In my life, God speaks to me in my heart about His will but MUCH more so through people and my friends.  They are affected by my behavior and so clearly see my patterns, while I might feel that I am getting away with something.

We must be open to correction and willing to look at the ugly truths and the hard truths.  We must be willing to be crushed and yet rise up right after the crushing to go to our Lord and be healed!

This is not to say that it is pain always, for there are times when one is flourishing with roses and gardenias - there is always good and bad within a garden.

My friends did not tell me I had a sickness they only showed me the symptoms, but I know that I need to run to Jesus and lay down at His feet every morning, every night.  That if I do this and open my heart to His work, my friends will truly feel His love and ALL my dreams will come true because my dreams will become one with God's will.


Psalm139:

O that you would slay the wicked thoughts in me O God! Depart from me, therefore, Satan!

He speaks against you wickedly, the enemy takes your name in vain. Do I not hate him O, Lord. who hates you?  Do I not loathe the one who rises against you? I hate him with perfect hatred, he is my enemy.

Search me O Go and know my heart, try me and know my anxieties and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the

Way Everlasting.