Brake My Heart

Ok imagine a young person in a car at the top of a hill.  The car is in neutral and the brakes are not good at all.  They are rolling to the edge of the hill and people are passing by.  They see the car and and smile and wave.  Some of them in spite of themselves give the car a little push.  It starts to go faster down the hill and people continue to smile and wave.  The person inside is enjoying the rush, but with no brakes, it is a matter of time before someone gets hurt.  It may be the driver or the person in the way of the direction they are going.

Now imagine the young person driving is actually someone who has a crush on someone else.  Everyone who knows, smiles really big and encourages him or her in various ways.  Some saying things like
"You never know, they could be the one" and
"Even if they don't like you back now, that could change soon."
"It won't hurt for you to go hang out with them when you feel like it."
"Awww, sweet"
"You guys would be so great together"
These are things that were said to me.  Maybe what I really needed was some good brakes.

When I was younger I was encouraged by mentors to not keep my feelings to myself and to confess them to someone who could "help me" with them.  They likened a crush to a broken leg and said that if my friend and I both have a broken leg neither of us could help each other much.  Well, I don't know that what I got from mentors was any different than what I would have gotten from my friends.
When I have had crushes in the past, telling someone seemed to cement it in my mind and I felt like it did in other people's minds too.  Like they were going to hold me to it and ask me about it every chance they got.  I felt like I was obligated to like a person once I said I did.

My crushes lasted a long time.  I liked someone for years.  I thought about them, dreamed about them, tried to talk to them, tried to be with them and it was stressful.  I made a fool of myself many times.  I got worried and awkward.  I probably made them worried and awkward.  I got sad because they preferred the company of others instead of me and now I can't blame them.  I was a nervous wreck.

Out of all 6 or 7 mentors I spoke with only about 2 were willing to be brakes for me.  One told me she didn't think he was for me and suddenly I felt freed.  I felt like I didn't have to keep feeding my feelings.  I felt like I could rest and be myself.
The other mentor told me to be careful not to act on my feelings especially in my mind as that was where I was becoming attached.  I read a couple of books that spoke on that as well.
I realized I was infatuated with the person I was crushing on and that thinking about him, stalking him on facebook, looking for him every time I went out, dressing up when I new I'd be seeing him were all ways I acted on my feelings and became more and more attached.

You may say, "There's nothing wrong with any of that, it's all normal and sweet" or you may know how creepy that is.
I think there is something wrong with it because I was not emotionally at peace.  I was in unnecessary turmoil grasping for things that I wasn't going to have.  I couldn't be myself and I had expectations that were not being met.  I think it is unfair to the person I was infatuated with.  In my situation I made my feelings quite obvious.  What is a person supposed to do with someone who is super awkwardly crushing on them?  It must feel weird and uncomfortable.  Maybe he felt those expectations maybe he felt pressure.  All the gobbledygook kept me from really becoming friends.  Which is what I really wanted in the end.

I don't think that if I went back to those times I would know how to act.  I do know that in the future I would like to be the brakes for someone.  I would encourage a young person to not travel miles ahead in their mind, to be still and enjoy the view.  To not think about and become emotionally attached to someone who may not be destined to be apart of your life.  Be a friend to everyone equally and don't be afraid of what anyone is thinking.  It is not your responsibility to monitor what others are thinking.  When the time comes to deal with a situation where someone misunderstood your actions, deal with it in in a respectful and honest way.

And as for boyfriends, crushes and all that, I feel that there is never any harm in taking your time, being patient and waiting for the perfect time.  For me, I feel confident in my relationship with God to know that my perfect time is in His heart and that He has someone special for me someday.