When the world is not the way we want it to be, it is easy turn to the utilization of force in order to initiate change, but if we want the Garden of Eden, it is not through fire and brimstone that it will come, but by the gentle trickle of the stream that flows through the land and quietly makes the flowers grow.

"Please- don't." the woman said curtly.  I was just trying to be my silly self.  She had pricked my finger and I had pretended to cry out (not loudly, or anything, just mockingly like "aaa I'm going to die". Apparently she wasn't in the mood for fun and games.  I'm not sure why.  I know it's serious business but I was doing her and the crew and someone in the hospital a favor.  Maybe she could have acted a little happier about it.

Fifteen minutes before I had been driving the hour and a half drive home from massage school in Mississippi.  It was January and the weather was cool.  I think I had stopped for gas and there it was, the big RV/bus thing in the parking lot of Walmart.  I had heard how important it is for people to do their part and I had often thought of doing mine at some point.  Here was my chance.

I called mom to double check whether it would be a wise decision to give blood after a long day at school and right before having to drive the rest of the way home by myself.  Hey, I wanted to make sure my bases were covered.  She said it should be fine and gave her motherly "what to expect" advice. So I went ahead.

At first I wasn't sure where to enter or even if I should do so before talking to someone.  I figured out that I was supposed to go in the back side door.  Going into that RV kind of reminded me of the little fire drill day we had when I was seven.  The fire man let us hang out and watch a movie inside until the smoke alarm went off and the smoke machine puffed smoke into the room.  We all had to "escape".  Don't know why it made me think of that.

Anyway, after the grumpy lady took my info and a little blood test in the tiny cubicle of the RV I was allowed to go wait on the little bench until one of the donor beds was available.  I looked at a couple of brochures but didn't really comprehend what was written.  There were people coming in and going out and there were about four donor beds and two nurses.  The place was bright.  I had heard horror stories of people being stuck with needles multiple times and coming away in pain and bruised.

When it was my turn, the nurses doing the actual drawing of the blood were really great.  The one helping me asked me to get on the chair thing which was a blue vinyl covered, reclining chair with little minivan-style arm rests and a raised bottom end to support your knees.  The nurse cleaned the crook of my arm and got the needle ready.  I told her I had never been stuck before.  She put the tourniquet on and asked me to squeeze a rubber exerciser-thing (don't you love my terminology?)


There was a face clock on the wall near me. I love to keep track of time, so I observed it throughout the experience to see how long it took.

After I did several squeezes it was time for the needle to go in.  She told me I had really good veins.  Thanks.  I didn't watch as she did it but she had this great idea to tell me to take a deep breath like I was going under water.  It was amazing!  When I did that and she put the needle in I hardly noticed!  It was a little scary, though.  I don't know if I could do so well another time now that I know what will happen.  Taking a deep breath certainly makes it impossible to scream, so that's good.  Then I just had to squeeze the rubber thing every now and then and wait for the bag to fill with blood. Did you know de-oxygenated blood is NOT blue but simply dark, dark red?

I just hung out for a few.  Then the nurse came over to remove the needle.  That was the weird moment.  I felt totally fine even though that blood was outside my body, but the moment she cut off the flow by removing the needle it was like my body said "Whoa! Where'd it go?"

The nurse was very faithful to check on me, which was awesome.  I told her I felt a little weird.  I don't remember exactly how I felt but I think my eyes were getting those black-out splotches.  I looked at the clock until my eyes cleared up.  If I had tried to get up, I probably would have fallen right down.

  The nurse told me to rest there for a minute.  She put some gauze and blue tape over the little hole in my arm.  It wasn't really bleeding.  Then when I was ready, she watched as I slowly got up and walked to another little bench at the front end of the RV near the driver's seat.  Someone gave me a simple logo t-shirt and invited me to help myself to juice or cookies.  Oreos, I love you, I always have. I always will.

Then it was time to head home.  I was feeling fine.  I called mom to tell her about it.
I was smiling really big and taking selfies to try to capture what I felt.  I was happy and proud that I got through it quite painlessly.  At home I rested and watched tv because I felt tired and knew my body needed time to build that blood up again.

We are not perfect. We never have been, we never will be on this earth. The only way anything will ever be good is if *I* do my part in following God, seeking Him in everything and blaming no one for anything. For it is not flesh and blood that we battle, but powers and principalities. There is good and bad here because this is not Heaven.

I like to read, but would rather write.
I like to listen, but would rather sing.
I like to watch, but would rather dance.

I guess I'm a doer, not so much a talker or a watcher.

I love to write and express myself and I want others to read what I write, BUT I am not a big reader.  Does that make me a rotten egotist?

The question is:  Are you really rejecting Jesus, or are you rejecting what some call "modern-day Christianity" with it's backstabbing, judge-mental hypocrites and warm fuzzy feelings that don't last?
I think you're right to reject the latter.

What if I told you that there are people in the world who actually live what Jesus and His Father taught?  What if I told you that there are people who's Jesus is not safe and comfortable?
These people know that following the real Jesus means stepping out of your comfort zone, doing what you are afraid to do and laying your own wants and desires aside for the sake of others.  There are people who know that Jesus lived to teach us not to be selfish and to realize that there is a God, our Father in heaven, to whom we owe honor and glory.

He is powerful and artistic and merciful and kind.  And He wants us to accept Him as our Father and get to know Him.  He has so much to show us and to give us but He wants something in return:  our love and honor.

Many debate so many ideas in regards to God and the Bible, but a relationship with Him should not be full of worry, anxiety or anything negative for that matter.  Walking with God should be simple:  seek Him, love Him, obey Him.  We learn to obey Him after we know Him.  We know Him by seeking Him.  He's in everyone.  He is anything that is good, truly good.  The difference between an atheist and a Christian is that when they see something good, the atheist gives man the credit and glory, the Christian gives God the credit and glory.  The Bible says that the evidence of the spirit of God is love, peace, joy, kindness, forbearance, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When I see these things I know that God is there because He made all those things and He is all those things.

There are a lot of traditions out there.  Traditions for how churches and Christians should be. Traditional ways of translating the things God has said.  What if we questioned all of that?  What if we threw it all out and started fresh?
What if the most popular Bible verses among Christians are not the most important ones to God?
We try to establish rules that we believe God lives by.  Some people say, "God is this way and He HAS to be this way".  I say, God doesn't HAVE to DO anything. He does what He wants.  Much of what He has done in the Bible defies many of our rules.  He loved the bad people because they came to Him and wanted Him and sought after Him and loved Him.  Stop trying to figure God out.

I have found that following God means not battling the people around me, not blaming anyone for anything, and taking full responsibility for the things I do.  It can be scary, and challenging, but there are so many sides to God.  I love to see Him in nature, music, art and in my friends.  He's also in the places you'd least expect Him to be.

It's a journey.  I guess in conclusion, I want you to know that God is good and He's absolutely worth following.  If anyone says they're a Christian but there is no evidence of a good change being done in their life, keep looking.  He's out there.

Brake My Heart

Ok imagine a young person in a car at the top of a hill.  The car is in neutral and the brakes are not good at all.  They are rolling to the edge of the hill and people are passing by.  They see the car and and smile and wave.  Some of them in spite of themselves give the car a little push.  It starts to go faster down the hill and people continue to smile and wave.  The person inside is enjoying the rush, but with no brakes, it is a matter of time before someone gets hurt.  It may be the driver or the person in the way of the direction they are going.

Now imagine the young person driving is actually someone who has a crush on someone else.  Everyone who knows, smiles really big and encourages him or her in various ways.  Some saying things like
"You never know, they could be the one" and
"Even if they don't like you back now, that could change soon."
"It won't hurt for you to go hang out with them when you feel like it."
"Awww, sweet"
"You guys would be so great together"
These are things that were said to me.  Maybe what I really needed was some good brakes.

When I was younger I was encouraged by mentors to not keep my feelings to myself and to confess them to someone who could "help me" with them.  They likened a crush to a broken leg and said that if my friend and I both have a broken leg neither of us could help each other much.  Well, I don't know that what I got from mentors was any different than what I would have gotten from my friends.
When I have had crushes in the past, telling someone seemed to cement it in my mind and I felt like it did in other people's minds too.  Like they were going to hold me to it and ask me about it every chance they got.  I felt like I was obligated to like a person once I said I did.

My crushes lasted a long time.  I liked someone for years.  I thought about them, dreamed about them, tried to talk to them, tried to be with them and it was stressful.  I made a fool of myself many times.  I got worried and awkward.  I probably made them worried and awkward.  I got sad because they preferred the company of others instead of me and now I can't blame them.  I was a nervous wreck.

Out of all 6 or 7 mentors I spoke with only about 2 were willing to be brakes for me.  One told me she didn't think he was for me and suddenly I felt freed.  I felt like I didn't have to keep feeding my feelings.  I felt like I could rest and be myself.
The other mentor told me to be careful not to act on my feelings especially in my mind as that was where I was becoming attached.  I read a couple of books that spoke on that as well.
I realized I was infatuated with the person I was crushing on and that thinking about him, stalking him on facebook, looking for him every time I went out, dressing up when I new I'd be seeing him were all ways I acted on my feelings and became more and more attached.

You may say, "There's nothing wrong with any of that, it's all normal and sweet" or you may know how creepy that is.
I think there is something wrong with it because I was not emotionally at peace.  I was in unnecessary turmoil grasping for things that I wasn't going to have.  I couldn't be myself and I had expectations that were not being met.  I think it is unfair to the person I was infatuated with.  In my situation I made my feelings quite obvious.  What is a person supposed to do with someone who is super awkwardly crushing on them?  It must feel weird and uncomfortable.  Maybe he felt those expectations maybe he felt pressure.  All the gobbledygook kept me from really becoming friends.  Which is what I really wanted in the end.

I don't think that if I went back to those times I would know how to act.  I do know that in the future I would like to be the brakes for someone.  I would encourage a young person to not travel miles ahead in their mind, to be still and enjoy the view.  To not think about and become emotionally attached to someone who may not be destined to be apart of your life.  Be a friend to everyone equally and don't be afraid of what anyone is thinking.  It is not your responsibility to monitor what others are thinking.  When the time comes to deal with a situation where someone misunderstood your actions, deal with it in in a respectful and honest way.

And as for boyfriends, crushes and all that, I feel that there is never any harm in taking your time, being patient and waiting for the perfect time.  For me, I feel confident in my relationship with God to know that my perfect time is in His heart and that He has someone special for me someday.