Ugghhh.  Having a tough time today and this week.  I'm short on money and in some ways it's not my fault - in some ways it is.  I did travel for continuing education in my field of study and I did not prepare for that very well.  I made it through, though and I'm back to work but business is really slow.

 I have made unnecessary purchases - not major purchases:  a cheap dress and sweater, I went out a couple times on my trip.  I just had to have ice cream, and it was nice of me to go out with my new friends the classmates I had been with for 5 days.  I also spent money at a coffee shop that my friends worked at - which was nice of me to support them.  I bought cards for the people I stayed with for my trip and also one for mom and my co-worker.  That was nice of me. Yesterday I bought a birthday gift for my little friend who just turned 13.  That was nice of me too.

I can justify these things, easily.  I can even justify the big one:   I recently got a smartphone.  I'm working on transferring service providers.  I got one of the cheapest phones and I justified it when I said to myself,

"Self,  this is a good choice that will launch your business forward."

I will be able to accept credit and debit cards for my business now.  I will be able to spend time on learning-apps so I can get smarter for my business.

The problem is, I have to pay for the new service provider,  rent is due in the office and at home, and I'm only in the middle of the week.  I haven't earned a penny this week.

So I'm crying out to God today and feeling foolish again.  I spend so much time on the internet switching from Pinterest to Facebook to interesting links on Facebook to email and my bank account that seems to just keep going down, down.  I get emails from sites advertising sales they're having and tempting me to buy, buy, buy and all I do is look and cry, cry, cry.  I realize that even if I can say that I have not been THAT foolish with my spending, I surely have not been helping myself by looking online at all the things I want to buy.  If I want something bad enough, I'll find a way to get it.  Even if it means ignoring my other responsibilities.  I wait until it is on sale and then I wait some more and want and wait and want.

I go around in circles.  This is not the first time I have thought about all this.  This is not the first time I have felt the need to go and clean house in the cyber world and get more focused on what's important.

I'm praying to God and I know I can't do it alone.  I need to talk to my friends when I get home and ask them to pray for me.

I realized that in my heart I have built my own little kingdom.  It has butterflies, and pretty shoes and dresses and pretty calendars and books full of pictures of me.

I'm tired of building my imaginary kingdom.  A friend of mine told me that if I'm having money trouble then I need to tithe.  That if you don't give to God, He won't give to you.  It seems a little backwards but God a backwards kind of God.  My money needs to be invested in the things God wants it to be invested in:  furthering His kingdom.  I put so much energy into entertaining my fantasies when instead I could be working hard to make something happen for God's kingdom.

Later... I realized that a lot of what I spent my money on was others.  My intentions are good.
Good, but scattered and misdirected.  I need more focus on God and where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do.  That way I can be wiser and less flighty about it all.