The iPod

I don't want to be the way I was with the iPod.
My brother had an iPod .
I wanted it when he didn't need it anymore.
He got a new phone and could play music on that
So I asked for the iPod.
He said he might give it to me.
I waited and he still didn't give it to me.
I complained and was rude. I felt misused. He got annoyed with me.
Finally, he gave it to me for Christmas.
As he did so, he reminded me what a b**** I was about it,
Which made it not so pleasant for me because I regretted the way I had behaved.

Now there's something else that I want and I staked my heart on it.
Now it looks as if I will not get it.
My heart is breaking.
Before, when a similar thing was in my sights I "held it lightly"
Knowing that it may not be in my destiny.
I told myself that if I didn't get it, I would be resigned and happy.

With this one, though, I held no reservations,
I staked my heart on it and promised myself it would be mine.
What am I to do now, when it seems there is no hope?

I don't know why my heart is breaking.
I am not hormonal right now.
I just think I made all the wrong choices within myself concerning this thing.
I promised myself and did not take all the precautions in my mind when I saw it.
I took a small moment to warn myself and tell myself not to sign my heart away,
But that lasted a week.

I don't want to be the the way I was with the Ipod.
I don't want to complain and yet I do.
I want to cry and wail.
I feel like I'm in the dark.
I don't know what my future will be now.
How silly of me to imagine that I knew my future in the first place!
It was all imaginary.

I feel so foolish.  I just want to cry.
Others have gone through this
And when they didn't get what they wanted, it was for the best.
Maybe this is for the best.
Maybe there is something better coming.
But I am not the one who will make it happen,
I will not bring it about.
God will.
He has the best plans, I know this.
I've seen His work and He is an expert.

So I want to give up the iPod.
I want to trust that I am loved.
I want to trust that either I will get it in the right time,
Or I will receive something else of greater or equal value.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to not be afraid
That there are blank pages in front of all the filled up ones.
I want to trust that those blank pages
Will be filled with things just as amazing
Or even more amazing than the ones before.