Ugghhh.  Having a tough time today and this week.  I'm short on money and in some ways it's not my fault - in some ways it is.  I did travel for continuing education in my field of study and I did not prepare for that very well.  I made it through, though and I'm back to work but business is really slow.

 I have made unnecessary purchases - not major purchases:  a cheap dress and sweater, I went out a couple times on my trip.  I just had to have ice cream, and it was nice of me to go out with my new friends the classmates I had been with for 5 days.  I also spent money at a coffee shop that my friends worked at - which was nice of me to support them.  I bought cards for the people I stayed with for my trip and also one for mom and my co-worker.  That was nice of me. Yesterday I bought a birthday gift for my little friend who just turned 13.  That was nice of me too.

I can justify these things, easily.  I can even justify the big one:   I recently got a smartphone.  I'm working on transferring service providers.  I got one of the cheapest phones and I justified it when I said to myself,

"Self,  this is a good choice that will launch your business forward."

I will be able to accept credit and debit cards for my business now.  I will be able to spend time on learning-apps so I can get smarter for my business.

The problem is, I have to pay for the new service provider,  rent is due in the office and at home, and I'm only in the middle of the week.  I haven't earned a penny this week.

So I'm crying out to God today and feeling foolish again.  I spend so much time on the internet switching from Pinterest to Facebook to interesting links on Facebook to email and my bank account that seems to just keep going down, down.  I get emails from sites advertising sales they're having and tempting me to buy, buy, buy and all I do is look and cry, cry, cry.  I realize that even if I can say that I have not been THAT foolish with my spending, I surely have not been helping myself by looking online at all the things I want to buy.  If I want something bad enough, I'll find a way to get it.  Even if it means ignoring my other responsibilities.  I wait until it is on sale and then I wait some more and want and wait and want.

I go around in circles.  This is not the first time I have thought about all this.  This is not the first time I have felt the need to go and clean house in the cyber world and get more focused on what's important.

I'm praying to God and I know I can't do it alone.  I need to talk to my friends when I get home and ask them to pray for me.

I realized that in my heart I have built my own little kingdom.  It has butterflies, and pretty shoes and dresses and pretty calendars and books full of pictures of me.

I'm tired of building my imaginary kingdom.  A friend of mine told me that if I'm having money trouble then I need to tithe.  That if you don't give to God, He won't give to you.  It seems a little backwards but God a backwards kind of God.  My money needs to be invested in the things God wants it to be invested in:  furthering His kingdom.  I put so much energy into entertaining my fantasies when instead I could be working hard to make something happen for God's kingdom.

Later... I realized that a lot of what I spent my money on was others.  My intentions are good.
Good, but scattered and misdirected.  I need more focus on God and where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do.  That way I can be wiser and less flighty about it all.

My Definition of Freedom

My definition of Freedom:

To be so utterly fearless and independent of outside circumstances to be able to go and do and be what you're supposed to, no matter what the world around you is doing.  To be able to truly love.

My definition of Love:

Putting others' needs before your own, being with someone and helping them to be what they're supposed to be, seeing the value in everyone and everything.

I am a Christian so these definitions are in the light of what God wants for me.  Who I am and what I do is directly influenced by who God is and what He's doing.

This Golden Journey

I am so grateful for how God has blessed me!!!  I am healthy, happy, always learning and grateful for His patience with me.  I live in a wonderful place that is like heaven on earth where people are free and loving.  I can talk to anyone, and they are all open to sharing what goes on in their lives and in their hearts.

I have parents and brothers who are so affectionate, caring and honest.   I have two beautiful nieces who adore me and grace me with their smiles and sweetness.  I have friends who make good choices and are thoughtful and fun to be with. I have grandmothers and grandfathers and uncles and aunts and cousins who are good and will do anything for me.

I work in an office with two wonderful people who are patient and kind. People who come to us are friendly and respectful.  I have my own business that I'm learning to manage and it is growing daily.

I have a God who opens doors, and shows me so much beauty around me.  He teaches me all I need to know and keeps lessons simple.  Life is not painless, but He is always there to make a way for me to come out on the others side, step into the light and be free again.  I know He loves me and I love Him.  I am not afraid.

I am so rich and I don't know why God has done so much for me and given me so much!  I believe that He must have a plan because He is really good with amazingly complex puzzles.  I think at some point I will touch a life or many lives with what I have and what I've gained and where I've been.  It will all work together for something good.

I know that at moments like these when life is golden I can be grateful and happy, but I know that it could all change.  I don't know how, but God does.  I love Him.  And I can't wait to see where this journey will take me.

Late have I loved Thee, O Lord; and behold,

Thou wast within and I without, and there I sought Thee.

Thou was with me when I was not with Thee.

Thou didst call, and cry, and burst my deafness.

Thou didst gleam, and glow, and dispel my blindness.

Thou didst touch me, and I burned for Thy peace.

For Thyself Thou hast made us,

And restless our hearts until in Thee they find their ease.

Late have I loved Thee, Thou Beauty ever old and ever new.

Augustine of Hippo

Living With Other People

Living with other people* has taught me so much in 21 years:

#1.  Don't worry or be afraid.
#2.  Talking honestly and a lot is important! Consider the affect your words have on others.
#3.  Laugh, dream.
#4.  Be gentle and patient with animate and inanimate objects.
#5.  Be a lady.
#6.  Work hard and be disciplined.
#7.  People will talk differently, do things differently and like different things than you and that's OK.
#8.  You can't make anybody do anything, you have to respect everyone.
#9.  People have different perspectives that will surprise you and help immensely in life.
#10. God is love and His greatest expectation of us is love.  Love is patience, kindness, forgiveness, mercy, trust, protection.

There's so much more but this is the tidy, 10.

*I live in an "intentional" Christian community.  We live on about 120 acres of beautiful country in mobile homes.  Though it is now one family per house on average, growing up I have lived in houses with one or more families plus grandparents and single people in the mix at times.  Our number one belief is that God wants us to be a gracious and kind family seeking Him in everything.

Tall people want to be shorter, short people want to be taller, fair people want to be tanner, dark people want to be lighter, straight haired people want to have curly hair, curly haired people want to have straight hair, big breasted women want smaller breasts, small breasted women want larger breasts and on and on.

Wow, we think about our outer person a lot like that!  What if there were no mirrors or photos? What if we weren't so aware of our outward appearances and what if we didn't compare our outward appearances to others?  What if we just lived our lives doing and reading and giving and working and creating and learning.

It seems like we have this goal (whether we realize or not) to be the same as everyone else. That's what would happen if it were in everyone's power to change everything about themselves that they could.  Everyone would be the same height, weight, everyone would have the same color hair and eyes.  There's plenty of weird futuristic movies where man has made a world like that.  You might feel that life would be easier if we were all the same.  Others wouldn't judge you, or make fun of you because they would be just like you.  You're right.  It probably would be easier, but God likes diversity.  That's why He made so many types of humans. And animals. And plants. And sunsets.

Sometimes I wish my eyes would only be looking out at the world and not down at myself.  I would be freer and maybe even more confident.  Thinking about myself, hoping people approve of how I look, what I do and say, keeps me from thinking of others.  I'm caught, trapped in myself where there's fear and anxiety.  I would rather stand up straight, listen to others, feel the moments and become in sync with the dance of life and interaction with them.  When I'm not thinking about what they think of me, I can truly live.  I can react the way I need to react in situations, I can be calm and wait for the opportune time that is coming my way, I can help others be free.

What is Freedom?

At age 14 my friends and I gave going away "blessing" for one of our peers.  We wanted to giver her meaningful gifts and show her she was loved and would be missed.

We all gave her something that represented our idea of freedom.  We wanted her to be free to be herself, free from worrying what others think about her.

This is something we all struggle with and our responses vary as much as we vary as human beings.

I know more about freedom now than I did when I was 14.

There is freedom in obeying Jesus Christ and here's why:  Jesus says to love one another and not be selfish.  So often it is my fear of what others think of me that holds me back from ever being all that I can be.  This is selfishness.   When my eyes are stuck on myself and how I want others to view me, I spiral down, down, down.

When I love and put others needs and what Jesus asks of me as my top priority, I am free.

Living for myself is slavery.