I cry because I used to be so inspired.  I used to believe in myself.  I used to think I could do anythings.

Now for no valid reason I have shrunk away into a tiny hole, afraid to move or speak with only the hot, worried feeling inside and an urgent compulsion to be free of it.

I feel that I am experiencing exactly what I saw a friend experience a few years ago.  I suppose it's called becoming an adult.  You move away from your parents - the water rings are removed and the swimming instructor virtually leaves you...out there...in the deep.

This must be the way that adults become adults.  Adults are known for their anxiety, fear, boring-ness and seriousness.
A child cannot fathom all the things that are going through the head of someone age 16 or older.  There is so much to think about, so much to figure out.
Along with all of those decisions comes all your emotions and the desires and plans you have for your life.

I don't want to become the kind of person who crawls into a hole when it comes to the important things like how you behave at work.
Sometimes I think the people at work must think I'm a great asshole because I am terrified to face them.

Sometimes I think it's not so bad and other times I kick myself because I feel like a great fearful fool who can't function.

I'm afraid others will see me that way.  My fear that they'll think I'm an idiot is the very thing that causes me to be one.

I hate that.

sigh............

I know...that God is the one I am supposed to rely on.   In the moment, I don't go to Him.  I wish I did.  I wish I was honest with the people in my life - the ones I'm afraid of.  I have no problem being honest with the ones I know and trust but it seems like putting myself out there with the ones I don't yet know is the very thing that will free me.

I seem to do fine with people who will tell me exactly what they're thinking.  It's the ones who I am constantly guessing about that cause me the most anxiety.

All in all, I guess I just need your prayer.  Will you pray for me?  I need Jesus.  I need His love to overwhelm me because it's there that I find freedom.