Wings of Love

Run across the ground,
As the wind with power pulls,
Up to the sky it lifts me,
Bound for celestial blues.

The rush of excitement,
My heart and lungs aheaving,
And rising higher, higher,
Look down on what I'm leaving.

Past the tops of tallest trees,
The expanse of space before me,
No birds or planes in my way,
Now through the sky I'm soaring.

Forgotten is the earth below,
For lost am I above,
Limitless I climb the clouds,
With unfailing wings of love.

That Love Thing Again

If I speak in the tongues of men 
or of angels,
but do not have love,
I am only a resounding gong 
or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy 
and can fathom all mysteries 
and all knowledge,
And if I have faith that can move mountains,
but do no have love,
I am nothing.

If I give all I posess to the poor
and give over my body to hardship 
hat I may boast
but do not love,
I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy
It does not boast,
It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts always hopes
always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Sometimes I wonder if I truly love the people in my life to whom I say 
"I love you" every day.  I wonder if they truly love me.

 If I am impatient, unkind, self-seeking, rude, and yet say "I love you", this statement is unfounded. 

Whenever I have to spend an extended amount of time with my family, say when on vacation, I am reminded of this on both sides. 
It depresses me to see how, in what measure that they are rude and judgemental towards me, I am towards them as well.

 It is a helpless place to be because I can say nothing to them about it as I, too, am guilty. 
It's a cycle and we are all blind to our own folly while we judge others for theirs. 

What is the answer? How can we ever truly love one another? Of course, Jesus is the answer, but how? 

It only takes one.

One person to choose to be selfless, one person to pray for God to silence this guy inside:

This guy wants to blame everyone and yells out bitterly about how they are all wrong.  The anger that comes out of him is from pride and a feeling that others are abusing it.  

I kept this guy on the background of my phone to remind me NOT to be like him.  Sometimes it's easier to remember what we don't want to be like and to choose not to be.

I must remember the peace that may be found in silence.

This will please God. It is for Him that I make choices.  And though these choices are hard, is it not the hard things that are worthwhile?

I want to be able to truly say, "I love you" and it ring with truth.

Let the impossible be reality.  Lord, let me be a Princess of Sunshine.

That's Me

I always have a song in my head,
By 10-o'clock I'm in bed.
I wake up early
Eat and do my chores,
And by 8:30 I'm out the door.

I love my mom, dad and brothers, you see,
They'd do anything for me,
I have many friends but the best of all,
Is Jesus Christ, He's there when I fall,
If I need help he comes when I've said it,
And when good things happen,
I give Him the credit,

I like people, animals and art,
I value healthy eating, and sometimes I fart,
I love to dance and sing and laugh,
I don't like drama in case you ask.

I believe that others are more important than me,
When I'm giving,
That's when I'm free.

By the way, about healthy eating,
Don't get me wrong.
I really love cheating,
Pizza, Ice cream, Oreos too,
These are my favorites,
What about you?

Oh, yeah, I love to cook,
From Asian, Mexican, Italian cookbooks,
Mechanical engineering and science
Are cool, you know,
And historical fashion
Inspires me to sew.

I'm an actress and singer,
I play guitar,
But as for reading music,
I never got far,
I play on piano,
I love the outdoors,
Anyway, that's me.
Need I say more?

A Lesson in Love - Phantom of the Opera

When I was young I wasn't allowed to watch Phantom of the Opera because it was "too dark" and had too much seduction, sensuality and violence.  I finally watched it earlier this year and it is true that it has a lot of negative themes throughout.  What impressed me, though, was the climax near the end.

Some back story first:  The Phantom grew from a child who was never loved because of facial disfigurement.  He was mistreated from childhood and grew to be a very talented, but very twisted man.  He victimized himself and blamed his choices in life on his misfortunes.  Christine, herself, points out that his dark fate is not simply a result of his outward appearance but the condition of his soul (implying that his choices led to where he was at that point:  a seductive liar and murderer.)

So near the end, The Phantom is threatening to kill Christine's fiance if she did not choose to marry him.  The situation seems hopeless and here's what intrigued me:

Christine and her fiance, Raoul try a few different methods of arguing and reasoning with the Phantom as he is on the verge of murdering Raoul.

First they try reasoning with him, then Christine gains courage and says that she might have cried for him before, but now all she feels is hate.  How many of us have done this?  I know I have.  Thinking that if we let someone know how angry we are, it will convince them to change.

This has only a small effect on the Phantom and he continues to threaten.
Next Christine tries a guilt-trip.  Acting hurt she says that she trusted him and he deceived her.
This also has little effect.  The Phantom says she is trying his patience.

 Finally, something breaks.  This scene makes me think of an illustration I have thought of when dealing with people.  If people feel threatened or want to pick a fight or control things it's like tug of war.  If you pull on the other end of the rope then it is a full-blown battle, but if you let the rope loose a bit, the fight is over and the other person feels less threatened and becomes more trusting.  Peace is restored.  I don't know if this is what was going through Christine's mind but she suddenly changes her tune.  Looking on him with compassion she comes and speaks to him and touches him like no one ever has.  She says, "pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known?  God give me courage to show you, you are not alone!"

With that, the Phantom is overcome.  He sees how her actions came out of kindness and this gives him a measure of honor within himself.  He suddenly frees them to leave.

Christine and Raoul are safe, the Phantom is overcome and does find love in his heart for Christine especially now that he saw her selflessness in showing him - a monster - true love.
You may say Christine did that to seduce him into letting them go.
You may say Christine really loved him.
You may wish that Christine would be with him.
Maybe it was desperation that she chose to kiss him.
Here is what I saw:  Christine did not love him as a partner but she showed him true love by putting his need for someone to care before her own needs.  She chose a new way, a way of compassion and love to change a heart - even by a small measure.

I just think it was so profound, so beautiful.  I am glad she went with Raoul, he was what she needed.  Raoul was the sensible, realistic choice.  The Phantom never forgets her kindness.

Dear, dear, Christians...Oh, dear...dear, Christians

Dear, dear, Christians...Oh, dear...dear, Christians,

I recently heard about all the miffs Christians are having with Starbucks... or at least a few Christians.  I don't know.  I don't know who really cares about the "red cup" or the fact that Starbucks doesn't say "Merry Christmas" or whatever.  

And then there's the logo.  I've seen videos by Christians saying the logo at Starbucks is a deep, dark, satanic thing,  I watched a whole spiel about how it's a mermaid and mermaids were put on ships to protect them from mermaids and mermaids are mythological creatures signifying all kinds of bad things.  This guy implied that all of this is good reason to boycott Starbucks and it's evil brainwashing powers.  He said there are countless other "seemingly everyday" symbols that we all are accustomed to and it's brainwashing us to side with Satan, essentially.  He considers it his duty to unearth these things and bring them to the attention of Christians so we might repent of ever coming in contact with them.

Here's what I have to say about the lot.  He is telling us all the same things that Jesus told us:  this world is wicked.  It's no surprise.  It's nothing new.  He's right.  I do not, however, agree with him as to how we are to respond to this.  At least on social media, Christians seem to think we are supposed to "expose evil" and run far away from it.  

Is that what Jesus told us to do?  If we do that, if we expose all the evil in the world and boycott it all, we will be boycotting everything and everyone.  We would have to boycott ourselves, because we too are wicked.  Everything in this world, apart from God, is wicked   And what did He tell us to do? To be a light.  To be an example of speech, conduct, love, faith and purity.  I don't think many people know what that means anymore.  They will hear these words and still think their walk with God consists of fighting people on Facebook, following "Christian" trends and boycotting Starbucks.

Lets outline what God has really told us to do:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder (nor let anger reside in your heart towards a brother which is just as wicked)
7. You shall not commit adultery (nor look lustfully on anyone whom God has not given to you as a spouse for this is just as wicked)
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.

"Take up your cross and follow me, deny your flesh and forget earthly things.  Sell all you have and give the money to the poor, leave everything and come to me, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, do not offer to remove the speck from your brothers eye when you have a plank in your own, remove your plank and then help your brother with his speck"

These are the things we are supposed to do.  They are much more challenging and not as easy as "defending Jesus" on social media.  

So stop all the silliness.  You don't have to take part in it.  You don't have to be afraid of this wicked world.  You only need to look for God.  Where is He?  What is He doing?  Seek Him with all your heart, mind, soul and strength.  He didn't say boycott the world, He said be in the world, but not of the world.

Friends and the Will of God

I think I have come to or am very near to being perfectly fine and happy with being single.  You may laugh because you may think I am young and have not had enough years to experience loneliness but I truly feel I am in a good place.

Last month I was having a hard time, life was a bit stressful and I was wishing that I didn't have to be that girl who lacks the excitement of romance in her life.  I was also feeling confused about how to have a relationship with a guy, simply platonically. A friend helped me by saying
"Make friends, lots of friends.  Pursue friendships!  It is ok!"

I think idle hands makes way for melancholy and a feeling of missing out on life.  When I have a project to work on or a goal of some sort to work towards, I find myself wishing less and less.

I know that for me any old project will do, but I don't want to be happy and busy
doing my own thing outside of God.  I want to know what He wills for me.

"What willest Thou for me O, Lord?" is my constant cry.

I know, for sure, that He is preparing me.  Everything I'm learning or have learned, everywhere I go, is something He will build upon in the future.
He will take me places and let me do things that build on my experience.
I have to trust that right now, I am right where I am supposed to be.  I have to keep following Him if I want to go anywhere.

So friendship.  That is something that is very important.  I don't pursue friendships enough and seeing as many of my friends have moved away, it is a challenge.
I must make new friends and make an effort with the ones near me.

The iPod

I don't want to be the way I was with the iPod.
My brother had an iPod .
I wanted it when he didn't need it anymore.
He got a new phone and could play music on that
So I asked for the iPod.
He said he might give it to me.
I waited and he still didn't give it to me.
I complained and was rude. I felt misused. He got annoyed with me.
Finally, he gave it to me for Christmas.
As he did so, he reminded me what a b**** I was about it,
Which made it not so pleasant for me because I regretted the way I had behaved.

Now there's something else that I want and I staked my heart on it.
Now it looks as if I will not get it.
My heart is breaking.
Before, when a similar thing was in my sights I "held it lightly"
Knowing that it may not be in my destiny.
I told myself that if I didn't get it, I would be resigned and happy.

With this one, though, I held no reservations,
I staked my heart on it and promised myself it would be mine.
What am I to do now, when it seems there is no hope?

I don't know why my heart is breaking.
I am not hormonal right now.
I just think I made all the wrong choices within myself concerning this thing.
I promised myself and did not take all the precautions in my mind when I saw it.
I took a small moment to warn myself and tell myself not to sign my heart away,
But that lasted a week.

I don't want to be the the way I was with the Ipod.
I don't want to complain and yet I do.
I want to cry and wail.
I feel like I'm in the dark.
I don't know what my future will be now.
How silly of me to imagine that I knew my future in the first place!
It was all imaginary.

I feel so foolish.  I just want to cry.
Others have gone through this
And when they didn't get what they wanted, it was for the best.
Maybe this is for the best.
Maybe there is something better coming.
But I am not the one who will make it happen,
I will not bring it about.
God will.
He has the best plans, I know this.
I've seen His work and He is an expert.

So I want to give up the iPod.
I want to trust that I am loved.
I want to trust that either I will get it in the right time,
Or I will receive something else of greater or equal value.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to not be afraid
That there are blank pages in front of all the filled up ones.
I want to trust that those blank pages
Will be filled with things just as amazing
Or even more amazing than the ones before.

God is Good(ness)

If you were to ask me "What do you know about God?", I would say that I know God is good.

I was talking with my nieces yesterday.  I had taken them out on a pull-wagon ride around our 100-acre property.  We had stopped at the playground and had a fantastic time playing for about an hour.  On the way back to my house I couldn't help but mentioning it:
"Girls, did you know Ingathering is coming?"
Ingathering is like a church reunion for us.  Everyone gathers in from all the places God has taken us and we get together and have what I guess most would call a revival.  But basically, it's no different than what we do all the year long and that is praise God, talk about God and talk to one another about the ways we see God every day.  We eat together and sing and dance and most years we camp-out and sit around fire pits til morning.

I was so excited telling the girls about God and everything I had learned about Him came together in that conversation.
"God is good.  He loves everything that is good and He's inside all of us.  When we get together at Ingathering God will get bigger because He's in everyone who will be there."  I realized this probably sounded like people were going to get bloated so I said that you can't see God, He's a spirit, He's everything that's good.

"What is good?" I asked
"Obeying."  Jenna answered.
"And sharing, and joy and peace" I said.

The Bible says man without God is wicked, any good within man is from God.  Dignity, strength, compassion, gratefulness, all of this is from God and IS God.

I've heard people my whole life say that God is in us.  I wondered what that meant.  Now I know that the good in us is God.  When we all come together with that goodness in us, the goodness grows and that is God.

God is good and anything good is from Him.

What if we believed that God is love?

Who Holds the Power?

Things that hold power over us should be handled with care. Someone told me that around the world the three most powerful things are food, music and sex. I would add money as well. These things are powerful in the ways that they can change us spiritually and physically. They have the power to enrich us or destroy us. They are gifts from God and it pleases Him to see us being good stewards of His gifts.

 Here I am scarfing popcorn as I type. Food is powerful. It does things to you when you eat it. It does things in your brain and your stomach. Hormones and chemicals start reacting. It becomes apart of you. There's food that tastes good and food that tastes not so good. A lot of times the food that tastes good is not good for you and the food that is good for you tastes less than good.

It all depends on how you were raised too, and we can change towards food and learn to love the things that are good for us.  We can also fall into bad habits with food.  It has the potential to invigorate and empower us to do amazing things.  Good food can help us reach our goals and make us feel like gods.  It also has the power to give us headaches, and sour stomachs.  It can make us feel like a big nasty blob that can't move.

Food has power over us and if we're not careful, it can rule us.  Some of us have become slaves to food and it can make us do things we don't really want to do.

Music is powerful, it does things to you when you listen to it. It does things in your brain. Hormones and chemicals start reacting. It becomes apart of you. There's music that sounds good and music that sounds not so good. Sometimes listening to the wrong kind of music can be bad for you.  Our opinions on music can change depending on what is going on in our lives.

We can also fall into music that influences us to think a certain way.  It has the potential to invigorate and empower us to do amazing things.  Good music can help us reach our goals and make us feel like gods.  It also has the power to give us headaches, and sour stomachs.  It can make us feel like we don't want to do anything or see anyone.

Music has power over us and if we're not careful, it can rule us.  Some of us have become slaves to music and it can turn us into things we don't want to be.

Sex is powerful.  It does things to you when you take part in it. It does things in your brain. Hormones and chemicals start reacting.  It can be something beautiful and pure or it can be something terrible and wrong.  It has the potential to invigorate and empower us to do amazing things.  Good sex can help us reach our goals and make us feel like gods.  It also has the power to give us headaches, and sour stomachs.  It can make us feel guilty or empty or lost.

Sex has power over us and if we're not careful, it can rule us.  Some of us have become slaves to sex and it can lead us down to places we don't want to go.

Money is powerful.  It does things to you when you receive and use it. It does things in your brain. Hormones and chemicals start reacting. It can be spent wisely or foolishly.  A lot of times the things we have to spend our money on are not very fun things at all.  We often end up spending it on things we don't need but just want and the list of wants never ends.

The way we were raised influences how we think about money.  Whether we were poor as kids or if we were rich growing up, can reflect onto how we look at money today.  We can fall into bad habits with money.  It has the potential to thrust us forward and empower us to do amazing things.  Money can help us reach our goals and make us feel like gods.  It also has the power to give us headaches, and sour stomachs.  Lack of money can get us down and cause us to make bad choices or the lack can inspire us to be creative or become more responsible.  We start to gain perspective and realize what's really important and what we really need.

Money has power over us and if we're not careful, it can rule us.  Some of us have become slaves to money and it can make us do things we don't really want to do.

All of these are gifts from God.  He has a certain way He wants us to use each.  It's challenging to be within His will.  That's why He asks us to follow Him and to seek Him.  He's in each of us so if we stick together we can help each other to see the will of our Master.  My prayer is that we can become so lost in Him, so in love with Him and in such communion with Him that all these things fall in their rightful place.  These things can control us if we don't let God be the one in control of them.  He has to hold the power - not us not the thing itself!

If we take it into our own hands to supply what we want, we'll mess it all up.  God is so wise and He knows more than we know,  I say let Him handle this stuff and I'll follow His lead.

Ugghhh.  Having a tough time today and this week.  I'm short on money and in some ways it's not my fault - in some ways it is.  I did travel for continuing education in my field of study and I did not prepare for that very well.  I made it through, though and I'm back to work but business is really slow.

 I have made unnecessary purchases - not major purchases:  a cheap dress and sweater, I went out a couple times on my trip.  I just had to have ice cream, and it was nice of me to go out with my new friends the classmates I had been with for 5 days.  I also spent money at a coffee shop that my friends worked at - which was nice of me to support them.  I bought cards for the people I stayed with for my trip and also one for mom and my co-worker.  That was nice of me. Yesterday I bought a birthday gift for my little friend who just turned 13.  That was nice of me too.

I can justify these things, easily.  I can even justify the big one:   I recently got a smartphone.  I'm working on transferring service providers.  I got one of the cheapest phones and I justified it when I said to myself,

"Self,  this is a good choice that will launch your business forward."

I will be able to accept credit and debit cards for my business now.  I will be able to spend time on learning-apps so I can get smarter for my business.

The problem is, I have to pay for the new service provider,  rent is due in the office and at home, and I'm only in the middle of the week.  I haven't earned a penny this week.

So I'm crying out to God today and feeling foolish again.  I spend so much time on the internet switching from Pinterest to Facebook to interesting links on Facebook to email and my bank account that seems to just keep going down, down.  I get emails from sites advertising sales they're having and tempting me to buy, buy, buy and all I do is look and cry, cry, cry.  I realize that even if I can say that I have not been THAT foolish with my spending, I surely have not been helping myself by looking online at all the things I want to buy.  If I want something bad enough, I'll find a way to get it.  Even if it means ignoring my other responsibilities.  I wait until it is on sale and then I wait some more and want and wait and want.

I go around in circles.  This is not the first time I have thought about all this.  This is not the first time I have felt the need to go and clean house in the cyber world and get more focused on what's important.

I'm praying to God and I know I can't do it alone.  I need to talk to my friends when I get home and ask them to pray for me.

I realized that in my heart I have built my own little kingdom.  It has butterflies, and pretty shoes and dresses and pretty calendars and books full of pictures of me.

I'm tired of building my imaginary kingdom.  A friend of mine told me that if I'm having money trouble then I need to tithe.  That if you don't give to God, He won't give to you.  It seems a little backwards but God a backwards kind of God.  My money needs to be invested in the things God wants it to be invested in:  furthering His kingdom.  I put so much energy into entertaining my fantasies when instead I could be working hard to make something happen for God's kingdom.

Later... I realized that a lot of what I spent my money on was others.  My intentions are good.
Good, but scattered and misdirected.  I need more focus on God and where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do.  That way I can be wiser and less flighty about it all.

My Definition of Freedom

My definition of Freedom:

To be so utterly fearless and independent of outside circumstances to be able to go and do and be what you're supposed to, no matter what the world around you is doing.  To be able to truly love.

My definition of Love:

Putting others' needs before your own, being with someone and helping them to be what they're supposed to be, seeing the value in everyone and everything.

I am a Christian so these definitions are in the light of what God wants for me.  Who I am and what I do is directly influenced by who God is and what He's doing.

This Golden Journey

I am so grateful for how God has blessed me!!!  I am healthy, happy, always learning and grateful for His patience with me.  I live in a wonderful place that is like heaven on earth where people are free and loving.  I can talk to anyone, and they are all open to sharing what goes on in their lives and in their hearts.

I have parents and brothers who are so affectionate, caring and honest.   I have two beautiful nieces who adore me and grace me with their smiles and sweetness.  I have friends who make good choices and are thoughtful and fun to be with. I have grandmothers and grandfathers and uncles and aunts and cousins who are good and will do anything for me.

I work in an office with two wonderful people who are patient and kind. People who come to us are friendly and respectful.  I have my own business that I'm learning to manage and it is growing daily.

I have a God who opens doors, and shows me so much beauty around me.  He teaches me all I need to know and keeps lessons simple.  Life is not painless, but He is always there to make a way for me to come out on the others side, step into the light and be free again.  I know He loves me and I love Him.  I am not afraid.

I am so rich and I don't know why God has done so much for me and given me so much!  I believe that He must have a plan because He is really good with amazingly complex puzzles.  I think at some point I will touch a life or many lives with what I have and what I've gained and where I've been.  It will all work together for something good.

I know that at moments like these when life is golden I can be grateful and happy, but I know that it could all change.  I don't know how, but God does.  I love Him.  And I can't wait to see where this journey will take me.

Late have I loved Thee, O Lord; and behold,

Thou wast within and I without, and there I sought Thee.

Thou was with me when I was not with Thee.

Thou didst call, and cry, and burst my deafness.

Thou didst gleam, and glow, and dispel my blindness.

Thou didst touch me, and I burned for Thy peace.

For Thyself Thou hast made us,

And restless our hearts until in Thee they find their ease.

Late have I loved Thee, Thou Beauty ever old and ever new.

Augustine of Hippo

Living With Other People

Living with other people* has taught me so much in 21 years:

#1.  Don't worry or be afraid.
#2.  Talking honestly and a lot is important! Consider the affect your words have on others.
#3.  Laugh, dream.
#4.  Be gentle and patient with animate and inanimate objects.
#5.  Be a lady.
#6.  Work hard and be disciplined.
#7.  People will talk differently, do things differently and like different things than you and that's OK.
#8.  You can't make anybody do anything, you have to respect everyone.
#9.  People have different perspectives that will surprise you and help immensely in life.
#10. God is love and His greatest expectation of us is love.  Love is patience, kindness, forgiveness, mercy, trust, protection.

There's so much more but this is the tidy, 10.

*I live in an "intentional" Christian community.  We live on about 120 acres of beautiful country in mobile homes.  Though it is now one family per house on average, growing up I have lived in houses with one or more families plus grandparents and single people in the mix at times.  Our number one belief is that God wants us to be a gracious and kind family seeking Him in everything.

Tall people want to be shorter, short people want to be taller, fair people want to be tanner, dark people want to be lighter, straight haired people want to have curly hair, curly haired people want to have straight hair, big breasted women want smaller breasts, small breasted women want larger breasts and on and on.

Wow, we think about our outer person a lot like that!  What if there were no mirrors or photos? What if we weren't so aware of our outward appearances and what if we didn't compare our outward appearances to others?  What if we just lived our lives doing and reading and giving and working and creating and learning.

It seems like we have this goal (whether we realize or not) to be the same as everyone else. That's what would happen if it were in everyone's power to change everything about themselves that they could.  Everyone would be the same height, weight, everyone would have the same color hair and eyes.  There's plenty of weird futuristic movies where man has made a world like that.  You might feel that life would be easier if we were all the same.  Others wouldn't judge you, or make fun of you because they would be just like you.  You're right.  It probably would be easier, but God likes diversity.  That's why He made so many types of humans. And animals. And plants. And sunsets.

Sometimes I wish my eyes would only be looking out at the world and not down at myself.  I would be freer and maybe even more confident.  Thinking about myself, hoping people approve of how I look, what I do and say, keeps me from thinking of others.  I'm caught, trapped in myself where there's fear and anxiety.  I would rather stand up straight, listen to others, feel the moments and become in sync with the dance of life and interaction with them.  When I'm not thinking about what they think of me, I can truly live.  I can react the way I need to react in situations, I can be calm and wait for the opportune time that is coming my way, I can help others be free.

What is Freedom?

At age 14 my friends and I gave going away "blessing" for one of our peers.  We wanted to giver her meaningful gifts and show her she was loved and would be missed.

We all gave her something that represented our idea of freedom.  We wanted her to be free to be herself, free from worrying what others think about her.

This is something we all struggle with and our responses vary as much as we vary as human beings.

I know more about freedom now than I did when I was 14.

There is freedom in obeying Jesus Christ and here's why:  Jesus says to love one another and not be selfish.  So often it is my fear of what others think of me that holds me back from ever being all that I can be.  This is selfishness.   When my eyes are stuck on myself and how I want others to view me, I spiral down, down, down.

When I love and put others needs and what Jesus asks of me as my top priority, I am free.

Living for myself is slavery.

When the world is not the way we want it to be, it is easy turn to the utilization of force in order to initiate change, but if we want the Garden of Eden, it is not through fire and brimstone that it will come, but by the gentle trickle of the stream that flows through the land and quietly makes the flowers grow.

"Please- don't." the woman said curtly.  I was just trying to be my silly self.  She had pricked my finger and I had pretended to cry out (not loudly, or anything, just mockingly like "aaa I'm going to die". Apparently she wasn't in the mood for fun and games.  I'm not sure why.  I know it's serious business but I was doing her and the crew and someone in the hospital a favor.  Maybe she could have acted a little happier about it.

Fifteen minutes before I had been driving the hour and a half drive home from massage school in Mississippi.  It was January and the weather was cool.  I think I had stopped for gas and there it was, the big RV/bus thing in the parking lot of Walmart.  I had heard how important it is for people to do their part and I had often thought of doing mine at some point.  Here was my chance.

I called mom to double check whether it would be a wise decision to give blood after a long day at school and right before having to drive the rest of the way home by myself.  Hey, I wanted to make sure my bases were covered.  She said it should be fine and gave her motherly "what to expect" advice. So I went ahead.

At first I wasn't sure where to enter or even if I should do so before talking to someone.  I figured out that I was supposed to go in the back side door.  Going into that RV kind of reminded me of the little fire drill day we had when I was seven.  The fire man let us hang out and watch a movie inside until the smoke alarm went off and the smoke machine puffed smoke into the room.  We all had to "escape".  Don't know why it made me think of that.

Anyway, after the grumpy lady took my info and a little blood test in the tiny cubicle of the RV I was allowed to go wait on the little bench until one of the donor beds was available.  I looked at a couple of brochures but didn't really comprehend what was written.  There were people coming in and going out and there were about four donor beds and two nurses.  The place was bright.  I had heard horror stories of people being stuck with needles multiple times and coming away in pain and bruised.

When it was my turn, the nurses doing the actual drawing of the blood were really great.  The one helping me asked me to get on the chair thing which was a blue vinyl covered, reclining chair with little minivan-style arm rests and a raised bottom end to support your knees.  The nurse cleaned the crook of my arm and got the needle ready.  I told her I had never been stuck before.  She put the tourniquet on and asked me to squeeze a rubber exerciser-thing (don't you love my terminology?)


There was a face clock on the wall near me. I love to keep track of time, so I observed it throughout the experience to see how long it took.

After I did several squeezes it was time for the needle to go in.  She told me I had really good veins.  Thanks.  I didn't watch as she did it but she had this great idea to tell me to take a deep breath like I was going under water.  It was amazing!  When I did that and she put the needle in I hardly noticed!  It was a little scary, though.  I don't know if I could do so well another time now that I know what will happen.  Taking a deep breath certainly makes it impossible to scream, so that's good.  Then I just had to squeeze the rubber thing every now and then and wait for the bag to fill with blood. Did you know de-oxygenated blood is NOT blue but simply dark, dark red?

I just hung out for a few.  Then the nurse came over to remove the needle.  That was the weird moment.  I felt totally fine even though that blood was outside my body, but the moment she cut off the flow by removing the needle it was like my body said "Whoa! Where'd it go?"

The nurse was very faithful to check on me, which was awesome.  I told her I felt a little weird.  I don't remember exactly how I felt but I think my eyes were getting those black-out splotches.  I looked at the clock until my eyes cleared up.  If I had tried to get up, I probably would have fallen right down.

  The nurse told me to rest there for a minute.  She put some gauze and blue tape over the little hole in my arm.  It wasn't really bleeding.  Then when I was ready, she watched as I slowly got up and walked to another little bench at the front end of the RV near the driver's seat.  Someone gave me a simple logo t-shirt and invited me to help myself to juice or cookies.  Oreos, I love you, I always have. I always will.

Then it was time to head home.  I was feeling fine.  I called mom to tell her about it.
I was smiling really big and taking selfies to try to capture what I felt.  I was happy and proud that I got through it quite painlessly.  At home I rested and watched tv because I felt tired and knew my body needed time to build that blood up again.

We are not perfect. We never have been, we never will be on this earth. The only way anything will ever be good is if *I* do my part in following God, seeking Him in everything and blaming no one for anything. For it is not flesh and blood that we battle, but powers and principalities. There is good and bad here because this is not Heaven.

I like to read, but would rather write.
I like to listen, but would rather sing.
I like to watch, but would rather dance.

I guess I'm a doer, not so much a talker or a watcher.

I love to write and express myself and I want others to read what I write, BUT I am not a big reader.  Does that make me a rotten egotist?

The question is:  Are you really rejecting Jesus, or are you rejecting what some call "modern-day Christianity" with it's backstabbing, judge-mental hypocrites and warm fuzzy feelings that don't last?
I think you're right to reject the latter.

What if I told you that there are people in the world who actually live what Jesus and His Father taught?  What if I told you that there are people who's Jesus is not safe and comfortable?
These people know that following the real Jesus means stepping out of your comfort zone, doing what you are afraid to do and laying your own wants and desires aside for the sake of others.  There are people who know that Jesus lived to teach us not to be selfish and to realize that there is a God, our Father in heaven, to whom we owe honor and glory.

He is powerful and artistic and merciful and kind.  And He wants us to accept Him as our Father and get to know Him.  He has so much to show us and to give us but He wants something in return:  our love and honor.

Many debate so many ideas in regards to God and the Bible, but a relationship with Him should not be full of worry, anxiety or anything negative for that matter.  Walking with God should be simple:  seek Him, love Him, obey Him.  We learn to obey Him after we know Him.  We know Him by seeking Him.  He's in everyone.  He is anything that is good, truly good.  The difference between an atheist and a Christian is that when they see something good, the atheist gives man the credit and glory, the Christian gives God the credit and glory.  The Bible says that the evidence of the spirit of God is love, peace, joy, kindness, forbearance, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When I see these things I know that God is there because He made all those things and He is all those things.

There are a lot of traditions out there.  Traditions for how churches and Christians should be. Traditional ways of translating the things God has said.  What if we questioned all of that?  What if we threw it all out and started fresh?
What if the most popular Bible verses among Christians are not the most important ones to God?
We try to establish rules that we believe God lives by.  Some people say, "God is this way and He HAS to be this way".  I say, God doesn't HAVE to DO anything. He does what He wants.  Much of what He has done in the Bible defies many of our rules.  He loved the bad people because they came to Him and wanted Him and sought after Him and loved Him.  Stop trying to figure God out.

I have found that following God means not battling the people around me, not blaming anyone for anything, and taking full responsibility for the things I do.  It can be scary, and challenging, but there are so many sides to God.  I love to see Him in nature, music, art and in my friends.  He's also in the places you'd least expect Him to be.

It's a journey.  I guess in conclusion, I want you to know that God is good and He's absolutely worth following.  If anyone says they're a Christian but there is no evidence of a good change being done in their life, keep looking.  He's out there.

Brake My Heart

Ok imagine a young person in a car at the top of a hill.  The car is in neutral and the brakes are not good at all.  They are rolling to the edge of the hill and people are passing by.  They see the car and and smile and wave.  Some of them in spite of themselves give the car a little push.  It starts to go faster down the hill and people continue to smile and wave.  The person inside is enjoying the rush, but with no brakes, it is a matter of time before someone gets hurt.  It may be the driver or the person in the way of the direction they are going.

Now imagine the young person driving is actually someone who has a crush on someone else.  Everyone who knows, smiles really big and encourages him or her in various ways.  Some saying things like
"You never know, they could be the one" and
"Even if they don't like you back now, that could change soon."
"It won't hurt for you to go hang out with them when you feel like it."
"Awww, sweet"
"You guys would be so great together"
These are things that were said to me.  Maybe what I really needed was some good brakes.

When I was younger I was encouraged by mentors to not keep my feelings to myself and to confess them to someone who could "help me" with them.  They likened a crush to a broken leg and said that if my friend and I both have a broken leg neither of us could help each other much.  Well, I don't know that what I got from mentors was any different than what I would have gotten from my friends.
When I have had crushes in the past, telling someone seemed to cement it in my mind and I felt like it did in other people's minds too.  Like they were going to hold me to it and ask me about it every chance they got.  I felt like I was obligated to like a person once I said I did.

My crushes lasted a long time.  I liked someone for years.  I thought about them, dreamed about them, tried to talk to them, tried to be with them and it was stressful.  I made a fool of myself many times.  I got worried and awkward.  I probably made them worried and awkward.  I got sad because they preferred the company of others instead of me and now I can't blame them.  I was a nervous wreck.

Out of all 6 or 7 mentors I spoke with only about 2 were willing to be brakes for me.  One told me she didn't think he was for me and suddenly I felt freed.  I felt like I didn't have to keep feeding my feelings.  I felt like I could rest and be myself.
The other mentor told me to be careful not to act on my feelings especially in my mind as that was where I was becoming attached.  I read a couple of books that spoke on that as well.
I realized I was infatuated with the person I was crushing on and that thinking about him, stalking him on facebook, looking for him every time I went out, dressing up when I new I'd be seeing him were all ways I acted on my feelings and became more and more attached.

You may say, "There's nothing wrong with any of that, it's all normal and sweet" or you may know how creepy that is.
I think there is something wrong with it because I was not emotionally at peace.  I was in unnecessary turmoil grasping for things that I wasn't going to have.  I couldn't be myself and I had expectations that were not being met.  I think it is unfair to the person I was infatuated with.  In my situation I made my feelings quite obvious.  What is a person supposed to do with someone who is super awkwardly crushing on them?  It must feel weird and uncomfortable.  Maybe he felt those expectations maybe he felt pressure.  All the gobbledygook kept me from really becoming friends.  Which is what I really wanted in the end.

I don't think that if I went back to those times I would know how to act.  I do know that in the future I would like to be the brakes for someone.  I would encourage a young person to not travel miles ahead in their mind, to be still and enjoy the view.  To not think about and become emotionally attached to someone who may not be destined to be apart of your life.  Be a friend to everyone equally and don't be afraid of what anyone is thinking.  It is not your responsibility to monitor what others are thinking.  When the time comes to deal with a situation where someone misunderstood your actions, deal with it in in a respectful and honest way.

And as for boyfriends, crushes and all that, I feel that there is never any harm in taking your time, being patient and waiting for the perfect time.  For me, I feel confident in my relationship with God to know that my perfect time is in His heart and that He has someone special for me someday.

Battling Satan With Love - Even When I'm Alone

When I'm alone in the dark, sometimes I fall into old habits of anxiety.  I start to get sick and then I say to myself "God wants us to fear nothing, He has the way to life."
Satan, the enemy, is the king of fear, but God doesn't want us to be afraid of him!  In my moment of anxiety I remember that God always gives us a way out.  What is the way out of this fear as I lie here?  Of course!  It's love!  God said perfect love casts out fear!

I have always believed love is an action and that action is putting other's needs before your own.  But how does one cast out fear with this love when one is supposed to be going to sleep?  My imagination and my mind and Satan in my mind is what makes me afraid.  At bedtime I have to be still, and that's hard for me because much of what makes me happy and at peace is doing and talking and being with people.  I mustn't forget that God comes in the still.   Satan tries to sabotage that and make me afraid of being still.

So I pray,
"Dear Jesus, always light me a way out of fear."  I started telling the Lord all the reasons I love Him.  I started thinking about all the people I love and why.  I started thinking about the things I love to do and places I love to go.  I prayed for the people I love.  I put their needs before my own by thinking about them and praying for them.

The fear was gone, I went to sleep and Satan lost.

The Difference Between Christ and Satan

We cannot live for ourselves for it is too easy to put too much importance into our earthly inhabitance and be lost to the king of the world, our enemy.  We can be tricked into living for him and he has many ploys to lead us to destruction.  It's easy to become self-centered, things that feel good and look good lead us astray.  That's the funny thing about Satan, I think he looks like this on the outside:

But his big, bright, fun, smart, comfortable, BETTER, offers lead us easily and painlessly to a place you'd expect to see this guy:

Once there, that's when you see what he really is and the narcotics wear off and we see what happened but it's too late.  I'm not talking about hell, I'm talking about the world and how we can die when we're still alive and we won't even know it happened.

If God's voice is a still, small voice, I think Satan's voice is like a lottery scam.

I think life is simpler than they say it is.

Painful Garden

Pain is good.  It makes us stronger.  Exposure to germs makes our immune systems stronger.  We get sick, and it's not pleasant.  Our bodies fight it, we get over it and we are never weakened by that particular germ again.

When working out, it hurts.  Especially the next day.  Our muscles are being worked past breaking point.  The fibers within are being torn.  When they heal up and the pain is gone, potential for how powerful they are is increased more than twice what it was before.  It hurts, but in the end we reap great benefits.

You know what also hurts?  Going to friends and expressing feelings and then having them help you weed out the nasty, gnarly weeds inside that make you feel like that.  Judgmental, selfish, accusing weeds.  They hurt coming out.  I find myself trying to hide them and throw some dirt over them, but they keep growing.  I'm afraid my friends will set fire to my garden if they see them...Instead, they tell me that I simply need to see the gardener more often, and I need to keep on showing my weeds.

I do have nasty things in my heart.  On the outside, I want to be this cute, stylish, thoughtful, sweet thing that I am, but I have junk inside.  I don't want to look at.  It's not my job to get rid of those things and hiding them doesn't help. I need only to keep on looking at them as they come up and letting them show and looking to Christ again and again.  Then He will take the weeds out.

No Sister :(

I'm aching for a sister,

Someone just like me,

Spontaneous and silly, 

with whom I can agree.

We'd wear each other's shirts and skirts

And do each other's hair,

We'd give each other foot massages,

We'd be the cutest pair.

If one wanted to watch a movie 

Out of the blue,

We'd throw on jammies, grab our blankets 

And make some popcorn too.

We'd craft and sing and bake and dance

And marvel at the stars.

We'd probably have the fieriest fights

And crash each others cars.

If my sister were a twin 

She'd have blue eyes, red hair.

Whenever one of us is lonely,

The other would be there.

We'd be content and happy,

And talk about the misters,

And it would take some doing

For them to get between me and my sister.

My sister would love me ever-so

And I would do the same,

But I haven't got a sister

'Cause my sister never came.

I'll tell you something not-so-fair,

And here is the twister:

My brothers got one, but not me,

I didn't get a sister.

.